Days 46 to 53

If you think it can’t get any worse, it can and it will. Today seems to be better though. Hence you read my blog entry. Sleep is key. This is one thing that is crucial for me – if I don’t go to bed at an early hour, I can forget about the next day. Next day then is a no day.

I haven’t meditated now for weeks. I’ve spent my time unwisely as usual. Always regretting it, mostly in the evening before going to sleep.

All I want to establish in my daily routine now is a regular and healthy sleep schedule. That will be my first challenge. If I cannot get my sleep cycles in order, then I’m a lost cause.

Fitness-wise – no progress. Books – the same. Work – the same…

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Day 43, 44 and 45

lately have tried going to bed earlier than before. Have some success with it. Yesterday went to bed at around 1:00am, woke up today at around 10:30. Quality of my sleep is still a lot to be desired. That pulsating sensation is not going away, in fact it may be increasing which is worrying. But I have had some weird dreams as of late. I haven’t been meditating for the past three days. Doing some basic exercises but also working a bit on my essay for legal ethic class. Hope to finish it in a few days and then so much more work ahead of me. I tend to lose myself in the task at hand and to forget about everything else.

Otherwise – playing guitar, Youtube, chess, as usual. Hope to get back to my interrupted meditation routine.

Day 41 & 42

similar days to the days before. Woke up usually very late in the day and went to sleep in the early morning. No meditation, no exercises. No diet. More internet, chess and trivia. Forgetfulness. Tomorrow – no excuses. I have to. I have no time anymore.

Day 39 & 40

Last two days went to sleep around 3:00 am. I’ve been engaging in glorious self-destruction. My habits are not about well-being but about mindless annihilation and playful destruction. Staying up late. Ruining my health. Doing silly nonsense things with no value. I’ve not meditated for couple of days now. Everything seems to be a mess. I dont know what to do and even if i know what to do I dont do it anyway.

I have to write that damn essay for my legal ethics class. I’ve dabbled in it and hope to finish it this week. Another, even bigger thing, is – I have to start writing my thesis soon or else… Talking about a meditation.

Day 38

Late update. Woke up at 10:00 am. Went to sleep around 2:30am. Miserable day. Total trance. No mindfulness whatsoever. Fog and fuzziness. No meditation. Gluten-free diet is over.

Day 37

Woke up at arond 10:00am Went to bed at 2:30am (NBA). Still struggling to get a good amount of quality sleep. The condition with my head is still bothering me. Otherwise – I played guitar a bit today. And chess, of course. Plenty of internet wastefulness. Worked about an hour for my essay though. Did not meditated for some reason. Dissapointing.

I like the intro of this melody

Day 36

Woke up at 8:50am. Went to sleep around 1:00am. Bad quality of sleep. My head was pulsating quite heavily and I woke up several times during the night. I have found no cure for this disturbing bodily sensation I’m experiencing as of late.

I tried to meditate while I was on my way to the university. Not sure whether this counts as a meditation. While sitting in a lecture I found myself totally incapable of listening to the speaker. My mind was not working (in the sense that I was not consciously absorbing the onslaught of words directed at my auditory nerves). My thoughts were not there nor somewhere else. I felt tired and fairly disinteressted.

After the lectures I went to a bookstore and bought 3 books – Slingerland’s “Trying not to try”, David Brook’s “The road to character”and Geoff Colvin’s “Talent is overrated”.

Plan for next week – to finish writing an essay in legal ethics course and begin my thesis research.

The above mentioned books will wait. Their time will come.

Day 35

Woke up at 10:00am. Went to bed at around 1:30am. Better day than yesterday but only by a tiny minuscule margin. No meditation. Again. Have I given up? I may not want to admit it. Truth hurts. Meditation is hard. As everything else worth doing and remembering.

I played chess way too much today.

Tomorrow I have a busy day, in a forgetful trance-like way. All day long I will be at a series of legal ethics lectures. Not looking forward to it. But hey, something different for a change, huh? Sleep is really key – if I do not sleep well my days are fucked. The quality of sleep matters above everything else.

Day 34

Woke up at 12:00pm. Went to bed at around 6:00am. NBA. I should have learned that lesson ages ago. This day was messed up from the very beginning. No meditation. No nothing. Sleep is key. This should be my first priority. If I cannot start with it, then nothing will work.

Day 33

went to bed at 11:30pm. Woke up at 8:00am. Feeling a bit better. Meditated for 9 minutes. Otherwise – still nothing. Internet and trivia addiction overload. Unfortunately. Not sure what to write here. I seem to repeat the narrative. I repeat myself. My bad habits. Nothing changes. Not enough effort?  Not enough mindfulness? Maybe it’s something else? A month with subpar meditation routine – and feeling just about the same. Maybe the important thing is having regular sleep hours. I haven’t had regular sleep schedule for two, three years at least. Come to think of it.