Terrible day. From start to finish. I went to bed at 6:20 last night. I was watching NBA games. So meaningless and detrimental to my health. I woke up approx. at 12:00. My sleep was disturbed. Head pulsating. No focus, dizziness all around. After I woke up I didn’t meditate but immediately turned on computer and spent further 12 meaningless hours doing nothing productive or meaningful. I played chess and watched meaningless vids on YouTube. 4 times relapsed on porn. Disgusted with myself. It seems so easy to believe in a change for better. It seems so easy to believe that I can become a better version of myself. But my daily experiences, particularly days like this one, suggest it’s almost impossible to change and to abandon my bad habits. I still hope that I can turn this around. I can be better. Next day. You watch. Next day. New day but the same old struggle. I will conquer. I won’t give up. These familiar seductive words. Empty promises. Maybe. I know that what seems impossible now, is possible. Tomorrow is impossible and yet it arrives. I can take control of my life. Can I? My thoughts about myself. Where do they come from? Maybe there’s a biological, physiological, neurological explanation. So what if there is? I still have these thoughts and I have to live with them. So why not use this energy I have productively? Why not be better? Why not to live in away I can be proud of?
I have to improve my regiment. I cannot allow myself to go into bed so late. This fucks up the day completely. New start. I will try and meditate before going to bed tonight. Too much internet and stupid entertainment. Nothing of value. During the mindless 12 hour binge on the internet I saw briefly Commonwealth Club interview with Tim Ferris. Perhaps it’s worth mentioning here.
I didn’t heard any new pearls of wisdom. The same old shit. His shit. Not mine. I feel like there’s a better way to waste time. Ferris reminds me of how far I still am from my goals. That’s good.