Let’s say day 21 didn’t happened. I wouldn’t mind skipping day 22 as well. It all started with day 20 which was just the beginning and then it all went so fast in a total vertigo turmoil. Mindless trance state all day every moment. I skipped meditation on day 21 and all exercise, though I am still sticking to my fucking gluten-free diet and water drinking challenge. Sex drive was lit. Libido was raging. My mind and body or bodymind was totally possessed and still is. You live out a certain ingrained scenario, fantasy. Like a mindless animal with instincts and no care for future consequences. No long term strategy applies when libido comes in play. How to tame this inner dragon? This inner mindless purposeless energy. It wants to leak out. It wants to consume you. It wants to absorb your whole being. It doesn’t care about your success, your goals, plans or career, your happiness. It somehow lives in the moment, it acts out the story, the fantasy, if it can. it finds a way. it always finds an outlet. and it doesn’t care if it is damaging to you. it doesn’t think. it just acts. Pure primeval instincts. Off the chain. Off the hook. Nothing is sacred except the fantasy, the story it feeds upon. Its own dance and demonic play. Ultimately you want to just fuck. To fuck someone or something. It lives within and comes out despite the appearance and the fake intellectual, mindful posture. It doesn’t want to learn, to be productive, careful or cautious. It wants to destroy and to waste. To throw oneself into the flames or off the cliff. It doesn’t care. It is blind energy and you are its vessel.
I meditated for 8 minutes today. Sort of. My mind was wandering more than ever. Past two days I have been going to sleep at around 5 or 6 in the morning and waking up in a terrible condition without feeling rested. My regiment has gone overboard. The fight. Or is this a fight at all? I think I am losing. My genes, habits or whatever is in me seems to be stronger than my better angels. At least, at the moment. But as I write this, I feel there’s still some high aspirations in me despite bad odds. Maybe its foolish.