Day 32

Woke up at 12:00pm. Went to sleep around 5:30am. Not enough sleep. Feeling that things could be different if I just went to sleep at early hours. Tonight is the night. Let this be my challenge. I have to be in bed before 12:00 am every night.

I did not meditated today. No exercise. No nothing. Feeling tired as hell. No energy whatsoever. As per usual these days. Read a bit of legal terminology once again. Not sure why. No direction in my activities. Feeling sick. Maybe depressed. Am I?


Day 31

Woke up at 12:00pm, went to sleep at 4:30am. Read a bit (legal dictionary and Allan Bloom’s Closing of the American mind). Meditated for 9 minutes. Feeling slight tremor in my head. Disappointed and frustrated. But above all – tired.

I may have all the right thoughts especially in the evenings, but when the next morning comes everything goes down the tubes.

Day 30

Went to bed at around 5:30am, woke up at around 12:20pm. Read a bit. Did not meditated. I had a little workout though. Otherwise – starting to feel the pressure to perform once again. I haven’t given up yet. Meditation – tomorrow – will be the first thing in the morning. I will get it all together soon. I’ve partially given up on gluten-free diet though. I will still avoid eating gluten products. I had a few sandwiches and a dark chocolate cake. It was delicious.

So many things to improve upon. So many skills to develop. I have to start with one and just ride with it. I cannot divide my attention. It has to be undivided and focused.

Day 29

Woke up at around 12:30pm, went to sleep around 6:00am. The same old bad habits. Internet and stuff.

Did not meditated.

Otherwise – nothing. Tired. Ate a delicious cake. Did not exercised.

Day 28

Went to bed at around 0:35am. Woke up at around 10:00 am. Meditated for 9 minutes. Exercised. Finished reading Williams book. Played guitar. Otherwise – bad time management. Not focused on the important and meaningful things. Still too much chess and trivia. I am determined to improve. Every day. Bit by bit. Feeling bad about not working harder.

Day 27

Woke up at 12:30am, went to bed at around 4:30am. Blaming the internet.

Otherwise – feel tired. Very tired today. I meditated for 9 minutes. Played chess. YouTube, etc. The same old story.

Otherwise – nothing. But the pressure is mounting.

I am ashamed. Tomorrow.

Day 26

Went to bed at around 5:00am or later. Woke up at around 12:30pm. Very bad quality of sleep. Feeling not rested. I wonder why. My regiment has been a mess. Yesterday I stayed late to watch stupid (but addictive) NBA game and Trump’s first speech to congress. I haven’t meditated today yet. Hope to do it before going to bed tonight. It strikes me how inefficient my days are. I do almost nothing except spend time on Internet following the latest fad and claptrap. Why am I doing this to myself? It’s like I’ve been trying to make my life difficult on purpose. But why? Why am I placing this burden on me? What am I not getting? Why is the message not received yet? I’ve been bemoaning my ineffectiveness and lack of assertiveness for now about 2,3 years. Predictably with no results. On the surface it seems so easy – just stick to your plan, just stick to your regiment. But no, something always gets in the way. Maybe I’m depressed and don’t know it. Or something else is amiss. Enough of the bullshit, whining, lamentation. I have to take control of my ship. I cannot let it drift without any purpose or direction any longer. I have to start delivering.

Today I bought I small gift to my mother for her birthday tomorrow. Otherwise, non-productive day. My last one?

No exercises. Gluten-free diet is full on though.

Day 25

Woke up at 12:00; went to bed at around 4:30am. I hope to improve my regiment soon. I meditated for 8 minutes. Then immersed myself in the world of YouTube. I cannot go on like that. Let tomorrow be different. I will hold myself accountable. Tomorrow’s goal is to finish William’s book and to do some preliminary work on my thesis project. I have to spend less time doing insignificant things of no importance.

I am still kind of sticking to gluten-free diet, though I am not sure whether its worth the effort. Small steps once again to build up something worth remembering.

Day 24

Getting back on track. Still nothing accomplished though. Internet. That ultimate distractor. Vampire of life. Meaningless trivia, nonsense-talk. I’m feeding on that shit instead of improving myself or getting better, wiser, healthier and stronger. But at least I feel that my mind is returning back to me (or I am returning back to my mind) after being on hiatus for the past 3, 4 days. Again meditated 8 minutes. I don’t know if you can call that meditation. I tell you what i do when i meditate. So here’s the deal, let today serve as an example– I woke up at 12pm something, my head is pulsating, I am feeling bad about the wasted time yesternight and that I went to bed at around 4:30am. My body aches and itches. My eyes are still half-closed. I feel sick. Somehow I drag myself out of my laying state to reach a hunchback-sitting position on my bed. I turn to my smartphone, find my Buddhist Meditation app, press play and it begins. For 8 minutes. I sit. Full with thoughts. Images. Nonsense and trivia that I absorbed the night before. But one thought nags and bothers me out of many others. It says – pay attention to your breath, count your exhales. I try to listen to this thought and do what she says. But I never succeed. Other thoughts intervene. So I meditate. Started from the bottom, now we’re here.

Day 23

Another mindless day with a short meditation at the beginning. Mindless meditation. Woke up at 12pm something, went to sleep around 4;30am, maybe later. All world is upside down for me. Still possessed by demon. Gluten-free diet my ass. I ate a few delicious loafs of bread. Also water challenge not going well, not to mention about exercise or any other so called meaningful productive activity.. The joy of life, huh? I feel its almost like too late to change. Maybe I just have to embrace my habits and the way I am. With all the garbage inside or outside. It also doesn’t sound that appealing to my intellectual side – that puffed-up wannabe super-successful well-balanced, always sharp, wise and peaceful ghost – who yearns for control but can’t have it. Acceptance is painful but so is change. What lot is mine?